Thursday, April 9, 2009

Life Goals, no big.

Can I just tell you that one goal in my life is to stop living so much in my head and follow what my "God nudges," as I privately (or not so privately now!) call them, those moments when you just know you're going in the right direction, so much so, you can almost feel someone pushing you gently from behind? You make a decision and feel peace and like coming home? I'm not very good at it. I especially struggle while I have PMS----the hormones work so hard against me, it's like swimming upstream against a really really hard current. It makes me just giggle, jump and clap at the prospect of menopause, let me just tell you!!

I'd have to say my goals are (in no particular order:) authenticity, balance, stretching boundaries (my own or other people's, I'm not picky!), challenging my paradigms, more love, less anger....cuz stupid people really agitate me. Really. I'm a natural grudge holder and have a lot of emotional flair-ups, so it really goes against my nature to let go and let God, as it were. And it has been on my mind a lot since I finished reading The Shack....which I can't tell you about without giving away the plot, but I will just echo my friend Trace here by saying: Go. Read it. Right now. I'll wait. It's that good. I've been telling people that it's like The Power of Now or A New Earth, both by Eckhart Tolle, but less cerebral and more narrative. It's in a story format that just sucks you in and challenges those paradigms, gets you to look at things in a different way, just takes your perspective and rotates it a good 180 degrees so you can look at something with new eyes.

The problem for me is, I've read all these great inspirational books, but the moment of enlightenment often feels like a flash in the pan, rather than a long-lasting change. Which troubles me, because it means my perspectives are pretty firmly entrenched. I think we can change if we try, but boy does it take tremendous, consistent effort. And just as Eckhart Tolle counsels us NOT to do, I keep looking forward, instead of living in the now, letting go of the future (which is an illusion...I love this, cuz get this: there IS no future. Think about it. We are living in the future we were thinking ahead to 10 years ago, 5 years ago, last week we might have been thinking of today, thinking what a great day it might be for whatever reason, and we spend a lot of time stuck in that, in the future...but there is only the Now in reality....I need to go back and reread me some Eckhart Tolle. His brain boggles mine.)

My biggest problem is I am so logical minded....but at the same time, I am waaaay emotional and creative, which sometimes makes me feel a little...schizo if you will. But without the meds. :) Sometimes I get so caught up in the thinking, the analyzing, I begin to lose sight of things, of my personal truth mostly. One of my personal truths is this: if I don't work on something creative every day, I will go completely, stark-raving berserk. No joke. And while I know this about myself, I still do not practice it every day, because I let the every day get in my way. I feel like I should be cleaning like a fiend. I should be cooking big wonderful healthy organic meals for my family, while perfectly balancing our checkbook and clipping coupons. And there you go: completely lose sight of what's important to me as a unique and spiritual human with unique and spiritual gifts. Some days I can completely ignore dishes and dirt, most days actually, but then PMS hits and I find myself trying to cram in a month's worth of cleaning in 2 days. Not that my house is gross...I don't think. I am very organized and keep the rooms we regularly use very clean. But I digress...I also need to wake the kids from naps so they sleep tonight! hold that thought, I'll have to continue this later!!

PLEASE do add your comments, I would really like to hear more from my readers, so I don't feel so much like I'm writing into a vacuum, 'k? :) In the meantime, here's the prayer I use before I sit down to write (I wrote it):

The Artist's Prayer

Be with me God
In all my dreams.
Help them come to fruition.
Assist me
In translating my inspiration
From thought to reality.
Never stop whispering
To my heart.
I need Your love,
Inspirations and support.
Help me to remember
That my art and writing
Are your work too,
And are therefore good.
I trust that You will always
Guide me and
Look out for me.
Help me
To be open to new ideas.
Encourage me
To follow my whims.
Lead me
To other artists
And positive influences.
Amen.

1 comment:

  1. I know EXACTLY what you mean about the short-lived "inspiration" from inspirational books...it's not going to be life changing unless something really resonates for you, really clicks into place. And you're right, so many of us are living in the future constantly, which is very tiring and pretty much sucks the energy out of a person (I'm inclined to think, judging from my own experience) I'm not even talking about being consumed thinking about next year, next month or even next week - many of us are consumed with what we're going to do that day, what we need to do, "should" be doing, later that afternoon, later in the morning, 5 minutes from now....we extinguish any moments we could be enjoying in the "now" by being preoccupied with, for all intents and purposes, a "future" that doesn't even exist as of yet...I completely get it, but it is definitely easier said than done, especially when you are taking care of others and a household (among other things)...I would love to walk around in a total zen-like state, at peace with myself and the universe. Despite my best intentions of slowing myself down mentally and enjoying the kids and the chaos, I am quickly side tracked with the needs and demands of those same kids, the never ending laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning the same areas 15 times a day, Target/walmart trips, a dog that needs to be taken out/walked, kids that need to be taken out/walked, yard work, etc and so on. The best I can do is to remind myself of WHY I am home, leave some things undone, and be at peace with that. On those occasions when I find myself shrieking like a banshee (which is more often than I'd like to admit), I try to diffuse my mood by reminding myself that with calm and patience comes clarity of thought. A sense of humor never hurts, either, and keeping things in perspective...I think it's one of the best gifts I can give them. It's a daily struggle for me, too, and some days are much harder than others. Oddly enough though, I wake up each morning and think today's going to be better than yesterday. That isn't always a self-fullfilling prophecy, but at least I'm an optimist, right?

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