Friday, July 17, 2009

Drivers Anonymous

I'm beginning to wonder why people aren't given psych evaluations before they can get their license.

I don't think, first of all, just to alienate all my female readers and friends, that women are very good drivers. Many of them think that multitasking skill that works so well at home applies to driving and ....just about anything else as well. Let me tell you straight out: it doesn't.

You need 2 hands on the wheel, people, and 2 eyes on the road!!! No rooting through your purse while you're driving! No cell phone use, or, God-forbid, TEXTING, while driving!

I drive a lot back and forth to MD from here in PA, about an hour or so each way, several times a month to see my family. Now usually my husband drives, but sometimes I end up going when he's out of town and I curse myself (and all the other drivers) the whole way down! Here is a list of my least favorite drivers and what I would yell at them if I had a bull-horn on my roof:

1. Mrs. Oblivious: You are driving in the left lane. But only going 5 miles an hour faster than your right lane companion. Perhaps you are even contributing to a Mexican roadblock. AND this goes on for miles....and miles......and miles.....look up in your rearview once in a while my friend!! Can you not feel the angry stares of the 20 cars behind you, boring a hole in the back of your head!! (bonus points: you're blinkers on....double bonus: AND you're on your cell!!) Bullhorn Bellow: Get the eff outta the way!!! (geesh!)

2. Mr. Indecisive: You're in the middle lane.....with perhaps a wheel in the, no, a wheel in the right....nope, you're definitely in the middle lane.... I speed up to get around you before some part of your car is imbedded in mine. Bullhorn Bellow: I hear your lane is nice this time of year!!! why don't you stay there?!

3. Mr. I-Just-Woke-Up: You're driving too slow. But then you notice about 6 cars have passed you in the last 3 minutes, so then when I try to go around you (of course), you start to speed up and I am suddenly unintentionally involved in an illegal street race! When I slow down, due to a car I'm about to plow into in my lane, you slow down as well, so I can't get back in the left lane behind you! Grrrrrr!!! Bullhorn Bellow: Just get over already!! You don't belong here!!

4. Mrs. Omigod-Don't-Tailgate-Me!!: You are driving the speed limit IN THE LEFT LANE!!! And when I come zipping up the lane, you slam on your brakes. I sigh and slow down to 5 miles below the speed limit. You cautiously speed up again, so I do too, but as soon as I do: BAM! You slam on the brakes again. Sometimes, repeatedly, just to get the message across. Bullhorn Bellow: You are TOO SLOW!! GET OVER!!

5. Mr. I Am Too Good for Common Courtesy: Yeah, you know who you are! You have some sort of souped up vehicle and you are crazy zig-zagging through traffic, sans blinker, revving your engine, tailgating and slamming on your brakes. Bullhorn Bellow: You are gonna kill someone!! I am gonna call the police, cuz I can't make a citizen's arrest from my car!!

6. Mrs. I Don't Know What Merge Means: So I am in the right lane, because my exit is coming up next and you are in the acceleration lane, as it is officially known, on my right. But instead of accelerating and watching for an opening, you're just going to cruise along, assuming I'm going to get the hell out of your way when your lane runs out and you just gliiiiiide over into my lane, written invite or not. Bullhorn Bellow: Do. You. Know. What. Merge. Means!?? You make way for ME, not the other way around num-nuts!!! Speed up or slow down to MEEEERRRRGE with already flowing traffic!! oy.

That night at dinner, my family and I had a lively and hysterical discussion about lousy drivers. We all initially agreed bullhorns to yell at lousy drivers would be a lot of fun (I think my father initially suggested this!) but only if WE were the only ones with them, so they couldn't back talk us....or threaten us with death! ;)

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