Sunday, February 13, 2011

What Women Want for Valentine's Day

Ok, I’m gonna spell it out for you guys, since we know you haven’t done any shopping yet and in your mind, you have until you get off from work tomorrow to do some it! So think on this:

We want you to read our minds. Don’t ask us what we want for Valentine’s Day!! For crap’s sake, don’t you know that yet?? How long have you been with us? (those of you in a relationship less than say, 4 months, get a pass here!) Do you not see what our favorite foods are? Have you never heard us say, “we love it when you….” Make a coupon for that!! About a hundred of them! (unless we’re being sarcastic. For example, if we say, “I love it when you leave your dirty underwear everywhere,” do not, I repeat, do not make a coupon for Free Dirty Underwear. Mkay?) A coupon, you can handle that, right?

If we do not like traditional gifts, like red roses and a heart shaped box of candy, respect that. Get orchids (they’re the oriental looking flowers? Big long stem, few leaves, usually in a pot instead of the refrigerator thingie? Oh forget it, ask the florist! And note, I said “florist” not “gas station attendant.”) or some other pretty, unusual flower….but we’ve probably already told you what flowers we like, so pay some freaken attention! This is the time of year we drop mad hints! And most of us know better than to be subtle, so all you have to do is actually LISTEN!! Turn down the TV, mute the game while the commercial is on, and see what you can glean if you actually LISTEN. Be aware, if we aren’t used to you listening to us, the sudden drop in sports noise from the TV and your undivided attention is bound to freak us out. Speak slowly. No sudden moves.



See this here?  This would be an ORCHID!  Uh-huh! 
And I will even link this pic to a link for you....yes, for flowers!! duh!

We want you to change. It’s proof that you love us. Actually, that’s a lie. It’s proof that our love is so strong and wonderful as to be transformative! That’s what it is. It’s all about the power of our love and frankly, a testament to how freaken awesome we are. If your man changes for you, he must want you something fierce. That is power, baby. On the downside for you: your friends will refer to you as “pussy whipped.” But just ignore them; they’re probably your single and un-date-able friends or friends dating a less powerful woman. They don’t know what they’re missing, basking in the glow of all that power. They probably have to fold their own laundry and cook their own meals too!

We want a bad boy. Even if you are a good boy, which we like, every once in a while, don a leather jacket. Call us “baby.”  Threaten to break someone's arm if they talk to us like that again.  Or look at us. We like it. I promise. Watch “Grease” for more tips.

Don’t treat us like crap. That’s a myth. We don’t like that. At. All. We don’t like to be ignored either. Some of us react rather violently to that, especially around Valentine’s Day.

Be appreciative. For those of us that stay home, we don’t have an opportunity to be promoted, given raises, bonuses or that employee of the month award. Except by you. Note how we keep the house clean, feed and change our children, get them to where they need to be, cook the meals, write the checks AND gain 20 followers on our blog, all in the same day! Congratulate us, praise us on our cooking skills. It’s foreplay. Really, it is.

And for those of us who work outside the home, we are working TWO full time jobs. Again, praise us, but more importantly, offer to help. Think of it as co-captaining a winning team. You wouldn’t want to co-captain with a loser, would you? A slacker? How about at work? Would you want someone to come in and tell you what you should be doing? (a la you, coming in from work, telling us how we SHOULD be disciplining the kids after we regale you with stories about our tough day!) Be the coworker YOU’D want to work with. Remember, we don’t get paid to be moms and wives. We do all that we do out of the kindness of our hearts. And that can turn on a dime my friend---it doesn’t even have to be that time of the month! Your appreciation is our currency. Don’t be stingy.

Don’t get us what YOU think we want. Get us what we ask for. No, that external hard drive is not what I want for Valentine’s Day. It’s not sexy. It’s not cute. It’s not what I want. Lingerie? Not unless I ask for it, bub. That’s a “gift for you for me” type thing that we see right through with our superhuman powers of observation!

A mouse pad with my favorite characters on it? Maybe.  A dessert I’ve commented on several times, but wouldn’t get because it’s so calorie ridden? Perfect for Valentine’s Day! A gift certificate for the pedicure I’ve longed for but feel guilty getting for myself? Ding ding ding ding!

We don’t care what you think about Valentine’s Day. It’s what we think that’s important. Don’t give us that, “Valentine’s is an over-commercialized holiday….it’s all about the candy companies making money….” All we hear is: “And YOU’re getting’ NUTHIN’….. for VALENTINE’s day!” You know what that is? That’s you being lazy. And really, if it pleases us to have a reason to get candy (you know, besides the fact that it’s Monday…or the first day of our period….or we’re tired….or had a fight with you….) then indulge that! We feel like we indulge you every day. We get your favorite foods at the grocery store. We pick up after you. We make your bed. We fold your underwear for God’s sake! Not exactly our greatest ambition or our dreams for our married life when we were in our princess dress, saying “I do….. I do look forward to folding your underwear….and spending 14 hours a day alone with our children….I DO! I DO!” We’re not asking you to do more around the house (because, let’s face it, you don’t do it right!) but we do expect you to get us something for Valentine’s Day. Again, it’s a manifestation of your love for us: not only do you get us something on Love day, you did it against your better judgment.

What more could a woman ask for?

4 comments:

  1. Lara!!! This was so stinkin' awesome!!! You must have some experience in this... haha
    I especially loved this: "Not exactly our greatest ambition or our dreams for our married life when we were in our princess dress, saying “I do….. I do look forward to folding your underwear….and spending 14 hours a day alone with our children….I DO! I DO!”" So funny! And so true. Great job my friend, well said. :) Happy Valentine's Day!

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  2. I like a decisive guy. If I ask you a question it's because I need help. Telling me, "I don't know" doesn't help me.

    I'm probably one of the few girls that doesn't care about V-Day. I'm happy with a hug...and candy hearts.

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  3. Very Funny! Everything is so true,especially the 'don't give us what YOU think we want, get us what WE want! I have to tell my husband this EVERY holiday!

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  4. OMG just going through some of your posts (now that I have found your blog) and this is soooooo funny!!
    hahahaha. My husband tried to take me for 'a curry' and got the look. It was very effective and we ended up going for a lovely dinner that we both enjoyed!!

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