Friday, September 16, 2011

I'm Coming Out




I’ve made a big decision.


I’m outting myself.

The big secret?

This is me.

That’s it.

I know, shocking right?

I’ve been perusing online dating sites, trying to figure out how to find this soulmate I’m longing for and I’ll tell ya I’ve discovered some things about myself:

I curse. More than most people are comfortable with. I slip up in front of the kids now and again. I’m working on it.

I’m a food slob. Especially if I wear my special white shirts with the food magnets? Then you can trace all my meals on it.

Sometimes I’m cranky, even when it’s not my time of the month.

I read comics. And lots and lots of books. I would almost rather read than do anything else. (Ok, well most things, but not EVERYTHING else…oh, you get my meaning, dammit!)

I find I’m judgmental. I don’t like morbidly obese men. (more on that later)

I don’t like piercings on your face….or nipples….or anywhere that is not your ear. And even then, don’t wear bigger diamonds than me!

Your hat’s crooked and I like things symmetrical.

I don’t like guys that have pictures of themselves with their arms thrown around other guys and big cheesy grins. It’s suspicious.

I don’t like guys that have pics where they are with women, unless they state it’s their mom or aunt or sister or cousin or whatever. It’s suspicious.

If your trailer is in the background of your profile picture…..yeeeeeah.
No.

If you send me a message and your profile heading is along the lines of: hey baby, I like what I see, how about you?

Yeah. Again: No.

I am not looking for a guy to protect me, to do FOR me, to take care of me. There will most certainly not be ANY type of asking permission or obedience. Go find a cult if that’s what you’re looking for. But this? This is the wrong tree buddy. In fact, you’re in the wrong damn forest for that shit.

I know how to do a lot of things for myself, but certainly not everything. If I need your help, I will ask. And if I find you competent, I’ll ask again. And again, and again (you can see the pattern here…).

This is me:



No Make-Up Me, First Thing in the Morning. Not even had my coffee yet!


 This is me also:


Sorry.  Thaaat's actually a picture of Emily Blunt.

But this isn't:

All or nothin’ baby.

So you know what I don’t want from you; here’s what I do like:

I want a partner in crime; a P.I.C. if you will. A best friend….with benefits. Someone to stand back to back with me while the baddies circle. I want my own gun and my own horse when we ride off into the sunset, dammit!

I like to snuggle. A lot. I want your attention, frequently.

I want to be able to depend on what you tell me you’re going to do.

I want to be able to trust you.

I keep myself up, so should you! I wash my face twice a day! My nails and toes almost always match in color! I cover my gray hair! I shave my legs regularly! I keep my weight as close to 120 lbs as possible, I eat healthy----NO I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE WHO COULD SMOTHER ME WHILE WE’RE NAPPING!! Ok. I’m sorry. I think it’s important to be honest. I know the fat guy with the cute little woman is all over tv, but that’s just not me. I need someone who has a similar active, healthy lifestyle.

Handymen: PLEASE APPLY!! I love it when things are NOT broken and can actually be used.  (this includes my car)

No. Slobs.

Slobs = Stress.

I want you to laugh at the same things I laugh at....and at the things I say because frankly, I'm funny.  And if you're not laughing at me, something's wrong.  With you.  And I don’t like a crude or low sense of humor. I like stuff that’s actually FUNNY. Witty. Sarcastic. Snarky. Take your pick, but nasty sex jokes or body humor is not me. American Pie? Makes me gag. Real funny? Friends. Will & Grace. Situational comedy. (look it up)

I am not this funny all the time. Be prepared for long boring moments with me. Dry spells happen.

But generally, I am super high energy, I do a lot in the day. I don’t like to be bored. I am not super adventurous but I’m getting better in my old age, more sure of myself. I’d like to try rock/wall climbing, motorcycle riding, hot air balloon ride, snowboarding, snowmobiling and other cool (but essentially safe) stuff! ;) I’d also like to get a tattoo or two, just can’t afford it right now. And no, I don’t want you to take me because what if it ends up like this: “Yeah, I went and got this tattoo, isn’t it cool? Yeah, I went with this guy that I was dating at the time.” That sucker is gonna be on my skin FOREVER. I don’t want to be forever reminded of you when I look at it, just in case. I’d rather have my sisters or one of my best friends there. I’m thinkin ahead here.


{*whispering* whole paragraph about s-e-x removed because I suddenly realized my 14 year old nephew could click on my facebook link and get here....geesh, totally cramping my style Steph, why you gotta let your kid on facebook??! Now I've gotta be all responsible and sh----crap.  Geez}

*crickets chirping*

See? That really helps to narrow the playing field. All you guys looking for a desperate, easy to romance divorced lonely woman? Not this chick.

So, maybe I end up alone.

Have I ever told you about my back-up plan? It involves a lot of quiet, relaxing time, singing, and a black habit….

11 comments:

  1. Don't want to sound rude, but I kind of got the impression that you are saying it is my way or the highway.

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  2. Why are you desperate?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous !: i'm saying exactly what I said: this. Is. Me. I've been in a relationship for fifteen yrs, I know all about compromise & communication. I also learned I can't dim my light for anyone. If you feel resistance to who I am as a person, then you aren't the right one for me, romantically speaking! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous two: why are you anonymous? A woman stating what she wants is not desperate. Furthermore, it's a blog post, meant to entertain. Get over yourself!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Why are you desperate?- person

    I understand this is your blog and it is meant for entertainment, I have been reading blogs for years and been a lurker on yours for a while now. Reason I stated what I did is that this is more of a dating profile than a blog post, a cry for attention, a look at me, I am a rebel because I like sex and in the next line you are not getting any unless I am going to marry you. I wish you the best of luck in your search for your soulmate and hopefully you can find a man that matches your list and will love your 3 children as well.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I didn't mention sex til the second to last paragraph of what is the equivalent of a 3 page word document. It's not a dating profile, it's a collection of observations from perusing a dating site that I thought others would find funny. Blogs are meant to be opinionated. I never used the word rebel. Of course it's a "look at me" statement!-- starting a blog means drawing attention to urself, with enough arrogance to assume others want to read what u write! I'm not going to apologize for whom I am. If u don't like what I write, move on. No one's making u stay! (certainly not me!)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Omg hilarious. You made my day. I'm grinning from ear to ear. You know what? The part when the crickets started chirping? An actual cricket started chirping in my office, lol! I have a space under my front door that I reeeally need to fix! The crickets come in, I let them out, then they come back in again! I don't have the heart to kill them. I grew up in the city, and something about them just reminds me of *country*. I do need to fix that door though -- the very large spider that came in last night was a bit much. Oh handy mannn?!?!?! Haha, you are *not* desperate. You are brilliant.

    ::cheers::

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  8. Btw, it doesn't sound like "my way or the highway" to me at all. You are just stating your preferences. That is a *good* thing. So many women get stuck in stupid relationships with stupid guys because they don't take the time to get to know themselves - get to know what they would like to choose and not settle for. Kudos for being a strong empowered woman.

    This is for you baby!

    I Am Woman by Helen Reddy LIVE 1975 Midnight Special

    ReplyDelete
  9. All the haters who take their time to tell you you are desperate or looking for attention have one thing in common- they have too much time and not enough to do. I think you should ignore the mean comments- it really pissed me off when I read their bullshit remarks to you- who reads other peoples blogs and then judges them??- and then they do not even have the balls to sign their own name?- It is like cyber bullying! (Sorry for the ranting here- I just want to say that some of the comments are bullshit)
    be desperate Lara, be self indulgent, be real, be transparent, be stupid, be raw, be yourself- that is what people want to read about- others who have the guts to share their flaws and show the vulnerable side that everyone has.

    ReplyDelete

No spamming PUH-lease!

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