Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Rules of LaLa: Memorize Them

Disclaimer:  These rules may be changed or become null and void at any time at the sole whim of Lara, with no advanced warning...well, except this one.

LaLa's Rule #16: Never chastise me for being impatient.  I will turn on you faster than you can blink!

LaLa’s Rule #15: Use your common sense around me at all times. If you choose not to exercise your common sense muscles, I will use my physical muscles and head-bonk you.

LaLa’s Rule #14: No horror movies if I will be in the house alone in the succeeding 24-48 hours. It’s just cruel and I’ll make you suffer along with me cuz guess who I’ll be calling at 2am when I can’t sleep? Additionally, don’t watch them with me unless you are prepared to have bruising on your arm---I hold on tight.

LaLa’s Rule #13: I don’t ever bring people back from the dead. It’s not right, so don’t ask me.

LaLa’s Rule #12: Do not talk while I am interrupting.

LaLa’s Rule #11: If I am obviously having some kind of bad day and am starting to get upset (this will be indicated by speed-talking and gesticulating) do not ever say to me “Now Lara, calm down.” When has that ever worked when you said that to someone? When? Exactly.

LaLa’s Rule #10: I  have finally figured out my touching issues!! YAY! Ok, here's why I'm super affectionate with family and friends but *freak out* when someone I don't know or like (or both) does so.  I am hyper sensitive to a lot of things. If we touch, it bonds us.  I touch my kids a lot---squishing their little cheeks, smoothing hair, kisses, hugs, you name it.  I am that woman touching her friend's hand or arm while we talk.  I'm a hugger.  But touch me in a crowded restaurant while you slide past?  Ugh.  I don't know you.  I don't want to be bonded with you.  Knock it off.    

LaLa’s Rule #9: Do not ever, under any circumstances, make repetitive noises. Anywhere. Ever. I don’t care what it is.

LaLa’s Rule #8: Never touch my chocolate. (That’s it. There’s no further instructions here.)

LaLa’s Rule #7: I ride shotgun. If I’m not riding shotgun, it’s because I’m driving. If I’m not riding shotgun and I’m not driving, I’m barfing. That’s all there is to it. It’s like a mathematical equation: Lara + backseat= barf. Don’t do it.

LaLa’s Rule #6: Don’t drink while I’m talking. It will inevitably come out of your nose because everything I say is funny. This is more a warning or a caution than a rule, but still….it needed to be said!

LaLa’s Rule #5: I only drink sweet wine. Don’t bring that fancy, dry crap and try to sell it to me. I’m not drinking it; I’ll spit it back into the glass and then dump it down the drain. Don’t test it. I’ve done it before.

LaLa’s Rule #4: I like things just-so. Some people call it anal-retentive. I prefer “detail-oriented in a way you obviously are not.” Don’t touch my stuff. You will get your hand smacked. Big Joe taught me that.

LaLa’s Rule #3: Don’t buy me items containing satin. I have huge issues with texture. Satin reminds me of this hideous bathrobe I had as a kid. It was quilted. And my hang-nails caught on it. And it made creepy noises….

LaLa’s Rule #2: I never answer call waiting calls on my cell phone. Sure, the phone tries to give you little icons to work it out, but they’re like men: they don’t do what they say they’re going to do and then I’m all aggravated and pissed off. I hate that!

LaLa’s Rule #1:  Memorize the Rules of LaLa!

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