Friday, September 16, 2011

I'm Coming Out




I’ve made a big decision.


I’m outting myself.

The big secret?

This is me.

That’s it.

I know, shocking right?

I’ve been perusing online dating sites, trying to figure out how to find this soulmate I’m longing for and I’ll tell ya I’ve discovered some things about myself:

I curse. More than most people are comfortable with. I slip up in front of the kids now and again. I’m working on it.

I’m a food slob. Especially if I wear my special white shirts with the food magnets? Then you can trace all my meals on it.

Sometimes I’m cranky, even when it’s not my time of the month.

I read comics. And lots and lots of books. I would almost rather read than do anything else. (Ok, well most things, but not EVERYTHING else…oh, you get my meaning, dammit!)

I find I’m judgmental. I don’t like morbidly obese men. (more on that later)

I don’t like piercings on your face….or nipples….or anywhere that is not your ear. And even then, don’t wear bigger diamonds than me!

Your hat’s crooked and I like things symmetrical.

I don’t like guys that have pictures of themselves with their arms thrown around other guys and big cheesy grins. It’s suspicious.

I don’t like guys that have pics where they are with women, unless they state it’s their mom or aunt or sister or cousin or whatever. It’s suspicious.

If your trailer is in the background of your profile picture…..yeeeeeah.
No.

If you send me a message and your profile heading is along the lines of: hey baby, I like what I see, how about you?

Yeah. Again: No.

I am not looking for a guy to protect me, to do FOR me, to take care of me. There will most certainly not be ANY type of asking permission or obedience. Go find a cult if that’s what you’re looking for. But this? This is the wrong tree buddy. In fact, you’re in the wrong damn forest for that shit.

I know how to do a lot of things for myself, but certainly not everything. If I need your help, I will ask. And if I find you competent, I’ll ask again. And again, and again (you can see the pattern here…).

This is me:



No Make-Up Me, First Thing in the Morning. Not even had my coffee yet!


 This is me also:


Sorry.  Thaaat's actually a picture of Emily Blunt.

But this isn't:

All or nothin’ baby.

So you know what I don’t want from you; here’s what I do like:

I want a partner in crime; a P.I.C. if you will. A best friend….with benefits. Someone to stand back to back with me while the baddies circle. I want my own gun and my own horse when we ride off into the sunset, dammit!

I like to snuggle. A lot. I want your attention, frequently.

I want to be able to depend on what you tell me you’re going to do.

I want to be able to trust you.

I keep myself up, so should you! I wash my face twice a day! My nails and toes almost always match in color! I cover my gray hair! I shave my legs regularly! I keep my weight as close to 120 lbs as possible, I eat healthy----NO I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE WHO COULD SMOTHER ME WHILE WE’RE NAPPING!! Ok. I’m sorry. I think it’s important to be honest. I know the fat guy with the cute little woman is all over tv, but that’s just not me. I need someone who has a similar active, healthy lifestyle.

Handymen: PLEASE APPLY!! I love it when things are NOT broken and can actually be used.  (this includes my car)

No. Slobs.

Slobs = Stress.

I want you to laugh at the same things I laugh at....and at the things I say because frankly, I'm funny.  And if you're not laughing at me, something's wrong.  With you.  And I don’t like a crude or low sense of humor. I like stuff that’s actually FUNNY. Witty. Sarcastic. Snarky. Take your pick, but nasty sex jokes or body humor is not me. American Pie? Makes me gag. Real funny? Friends. Will & Grace. Situational comedy. (look it up)

I am not this funny all the time. Be prepared for long boring moments with me. Dry spells happen.

But generally, I am super high energy, I do a lot in the day. I don’t like to be bored. I am not super adventurous but I’m getting better in my old age, more sure of myself. I’d like to try rock/wall climbing, motorcycle riding, hot air balloon ride, snowboarding, snowmobiling and other cool (but essentially safe) stuff! ;) I’d also like to get a tattoo or two, just can’t afford it right now. And no, I don’t want you to take me because what if it ends up like this: “Yeah, I went and got this tattoo, isn’t it cool? Yeah, I went with this guy that I was dating at the time.” That sucker is gonna be on my skin FOREVER. I don’t want to be forever reminded of you when I look at it, just in case. I’d rather have my sisters or one of my best friends there. I’m thinkin ahead here.


{*whispering* whole paragraph about s-e-x removed because I suddenly realized my 14 year old nephew could click on my facebook link and get here....geesh, totally cramping my style Steph, why you gotta let your kid on facebook??! Now I've gotta be all responsible and sh----crap.  Geez}

*crickets chirping*

See? That really helps to narrow the playing field. All you guys looking for a desperate, easy to romance divorced lonely woman? Not this chick.

So, maybe I end up alone.

Have I ever told you about my back-up plan? It involves a lot of quiet, relaxing time, singing, and a black habit….

Monday, September 12, 2011

Please Hold While We Figure Out How to (Not) Assist You...



Hello.


Please listen carefully as our menu options may have changed.

For really boring Muzak with frequent repetitious computer interruptions, press 1.

For all options in Spanish (even though you don’t live in California, Texas or Florida), press 2.

For a wait time of approximately 4 days, 32 minutes and 21 seconds, press 3.

For dead silence for an unnerving amount of time until you think you hear breathing, press 4.

For eighties music you can sing to until someone abruptly answers the phone during an embarrassing high note, press 5.

To speak to a computer that will constantly give you options you don’t want, press 6.

Otherwise, all operators are busy. Please call back at another time, preferably between 9 am and 3pm while you’re inconveniently at work and can’t call anyway.

Thank you. Have a fantastic day.

BEEP!

Friday, September 2, 2011

I'VE Won an Award! Go Me!



What I need to do:

1.Thank the wonderful person who gave the award and link back to them in your post.
2.Share 7 things about yourself.
3.Pass this award along to up to 15 recently discovered blogs.


1. Well, first and foremost, there is Miss. Fenny, over at The Crazy Rambler, who has become a dear friend via a contest I held over on Frugal Blog Make-Overs, if you can believe it!  I was giving away blog re-designs and she won one! ;)  I wasn't as much help as I would've liked to have been, as she uses WordPress and I, obviously, use Blogger, but still.  We struck up a conversation.  And the coolest thing about our friendship?  She is halfway around the world, speaks several languages (and is totally fluent in English, had no idea it was not her native tongue for the longest time!!), is totally interesting and is super nice and super supportive! I  heart her. :)  So thank you Fenny, for thinking of me and giving me the award for The Versatile Blogger.  I really appreciate it!

2. SEVEN things about myself?? That is a lot.  Hmmmm

      A. I have always wanted a tattoo.  Of a phoenix.  Not huge, but wrapped horizontally around my ribcage...  Never more relevant in my life than now.  And since working at Planet X Comics, I want a small Wonder Woman tattoo on the inside of my left wrist, so I can cover it if I want to ...however, I have been too chicken to do so before now. Not because of the needles.  Not because of the pain (ok, a little because of the pain) but because of the permanency of it.  Story of my life (as I'm going through a divorce!). 

     B.  I want to write and draw my own comic.  All. By. Myself. (which is, stupidly, how I try to do everything.  I strain something every time.)

     C.  I dream of staying home with my kids and writing and drawing in a fabulously cozy, sun-filled space and making a lovely living for myself.

     D. I've always wanted to be a part of a movie.  I'm bossy enough to direct.

     E. My family are all my BFF's.  It's like I'm a fish out of water when I'm here in PA but as soon as I go home and my family (ok, and mad chaos) are around me, it's like I've slipped back into the water.  I can breathe.  I'm back with my tribe.  People can make me laugh (and vice versa) almost without trying.  Everything we do is connected to a memory. 

     F. Patience might be a virtue, but it's not one I possess.

    G.  I can draw pretty well.

Now, passing it on to up to 15 other bloggers?? That's a lot!!  I have to run up and get my son's birthday supplies (cuz hey, I don't procrastinate or anything!) so I'll try for 5, ok?

1. Untypically Jia.  Hilarious.  Like, milk-is-coming-out-of-my-nose hilarious.  Like desk slapping, Imma gonna pee my pants hilarious. 

2. Blog.SpoonGraphics   Chock-full of handy info, inspirations and awesome tutorials.  It is my new absolute fave place to get lost in!!

3. Copyblogger.  Ok, totally not recently discovered, but how about recently RE-discovered? I read what comes in my inbox. Every.Day.  They do not put out crap, ever.  It's all worth reading!

4. Fresh Fiction.  I read (free) books and review them for Fresh Fiction.  They also have a blog component which I'm just getting acquainted with.  (I know, don't end a sentence with a preposition but look, you, I have to leave soon!! Give me a freaken break, ok??)  Don't ever complain about not knowing what to read next with this extensive blog at your fingertips!

5. Siostra: a la Carte Marketing.  Ok, so this is blatant self promotion!! I tried graphic design once before but found my technical skills lacking.  Now that I've got 1 year of art school under my belt and experience, I am psyched to try again, this time with my sister Kate, a professional writing major. 

Thanks again Fenny for the award!!





LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...